


Culpability

by MilesAboveFantasy



Category: Degrassi
Genre: F/M, gay male author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-25 07:14:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6185510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilesAboveFantasy/pseuds/MilesAboveFantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drew comes to terms with what happened at the party in 12x01. This story is written for the purpose of addressing an issue that the Degrassi writers were negligent to ignore. Read author's notes for details to keep this summary clean.</p><p>Note: Rated M for thematic purposes, relatively little of the story is graphic. As such, it is no where near an explicit rating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Culpability 1

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:  
> 1) Read trigger warnings. Please.  
> 2) I would suggest reading author's notes as well for insight.  
> 3) Males can be victims too! Degrassi has ignored this twice: with Drew in this instance and with Tristan in season 13. Not once are either of these events referred to as rape or sexual assault. What happened with Tristan is clearly statutory rape, unless it’s not illegal in Canada, though the teacher thing over rides that. This is particularly cutting since both of these events happen very close in the timeline to Zoe's extensive story about being sexually assaulted. Degrassi is usually on their game when it comes to issues, and I'm appalled they have ignored this.  
> 4) As a result of Drew questioning the morality of what happened that night, canon diverges slightly.
> 
> Trigger warning: This story contains discussion of rape, occurrence of rape, underage drinking, and other issues related to these two.  
> While the story ultimately has a 'happy' ending as Drew comes to terms with what happened, the road to getting there will be painful for him. This is not a black and white story.  
> Chapter 2 contains a semi-graphic recollection of the events. There will be an appropriate warning on the chapter.  
> I'm not usually one to do trigger warning, so accept the fact that this warning is here for a reason.

**Culpability I**

He felt wrong, as if his body wasn't his. He felt gross and angry and couldn't place why. Ever since the party last night Drew Torres felt worse than he ever had in his life. The confrontation with the gangs last year was bad, but never once did it make him feel uncomfortable in his own skin.

It was the alcohol. It had to be the alcohol. His constant visits to the trashcan or a toilet to throw up were a certain indication.

How much had he had to drink? The last thing he remembered was drinking from the trophy. Being forced to drink was more like it. Two of Dallas's buddies had held him up by his shoulder blades as another poured a trophy full of beer down his throat. It had to be that. That had to be thing that made him feel like an alien in his own body.

But the thoughts of ' _no, stop, I don't want this'_  wouldn't stop flashing through his mind. He couldn't shake the feeling that those thoughts were about more than the trophy of beer that he had been forced to ingest. The trophy of beer that sapped his memory of the night.

Drew was returning from a trip to the bathroom that had lasted for the entirety of calculus class when he saw Dallas. ' _There,'_ he thought. ' _I need to find out what happened last night.'_

"Hey, Dallas," Drew greeted awkwardly as he interrupted Dallas's poor attempt to woo some girl he didn't recognize. ' _There goes wingman status,'_  he thought as annoyance twisted on the face of his new friend.

Dallas wiped it off and dismissed the girl to speak to Drew, throwing his arm around Drew in greeting.

Receiving his friend's attention, Drew spoke. "Look man, I need a play by play of what happened last night."

Dallas smirked. "Dude, you had a time."

 _'Moron. I know that. Can't you see that I need to know exactly what happened?'_ Drew thought for a split second before speaking. "I know, but I need details. Did you see me with Katie at all?"

' _Please say no. Tell me it was just a bad dream.'_

"Yeah," Dallas replied flippantly. "She showed up crying, you sent her to your room to chill, then you went to break up with her!"

_'This is too close to the nightmare…'_

Drew's thoughts were whirling. "If I broke up with her, then why did she say she has never felt closer to me?"

Dallas grinned. "Because you had sex," he suggested.

_'No, no, no,'_

"No, that's crazy! I'd remember my first time," Drew said meekly. Trying to convince himself more than Dallas.

"Not if you blacked out," Dallas replied.

_'Why doesn't he get it?'_

"But I only had a few beers," Drew bemoaned.

"And a serious hit to the head."

"What?"

"You fell down the stairs," Dallas said, losing interest in the conversation.

"And you didn't take me to the hospital?"

"Nah, you were fine. You woke up 15 seconds later and started dancing and chugging beer."

"Dude!"

"You're fine Drew."

_'I've never felt less fine.'_

"I blacked out and don't even know if I had sex last night. How is that fine?"

"Look dude, if you want to know if you had sex last night, just go ask Katie."

"Dude, I'm starting to freak out," Drew said, backing up against some random locker and burying his face into his hands. "I love Bianca. Why would I have sex with Katie? I don't even like her like that."

"From what I hear about you, you like getting your dick wet," Dallas said in an annoyed tone.

_'No, no, no.'_

"No," is all Drew could muster.

"Look dude, check your wallet for the condom I gave you. If it's there, you didn't have sex. If it's not, well at least you were safe."

"No," Drew repeated, more to himself than anyone else.

Dallas sighed, starting to get annoyed. "Look dude. You did something you don't remember. It happens. Get over it."

 _'No, no, no, stop that's too big.'_ Memories of the cold metal hitting his chin as cheap beer was forced into his mouth came back to him.

Drew glared at Dallas. "You forced me to drink. It's your fault. Whatever happened, it was your fault."

Dallas just shook his head in amusement. "Dude, you got drunk and had the night of your life. Who cares if I spiked the beer and forced you to drink it? You probably got laid. Dude, just check for the condom. If it's not there, you did it. Be happy. Plenty of guys would give anything to get in bed with a girl like her. If you did it you shouldn't be complaining."

_'No, stop'_

"But..." Drew began before Dallas silenced him.

"Dude, if you had sex and regretted it, it's only on you. Don't go blaming me or anyone else. You're like one of those girls who cries rape in the news. Just stop." Dallas turned to leave before throwing a comment over his shoulder. "Just check your wallet, pussy."

Drew backed into the locker, and sunk to the floor. His face was hot with embarrassment and anger as his forehead hit his ice-cold hands. He stayed like this for a while, ignoring the glances of people as they mocked him, recalling memories of the night before that he didn't have of his own. He ignored it as the bell rang to announce the next period of classes starting. What was the point of going on with life when it didn't feel like it was your own anymore?

Thirty minutes passed by and he couldn't understand why no one came by to speak to him. How can someone be a mess on the floor in the middle of a high school and no one say anything; never before had he wished that he would be caught by a hall monitor or a teacher just to remind him that he mattered. With shaking hands he pulled his wallet out of his pants and checked. No cash, no condoms. No dignity.

* * *

 

It was 20 minutes until the next class. Drew returned to the bathroom that he had spent half the morning in to freshen up. He couldn't let Katie see him crying as they had next class together. Chemistry. What a joke.

He arrived to class early to see Katie smiling and happy. Happy they were still together. Happy that she had had sex with him. His heart lurched as a voice spoke up behind him.

"Why you creeping?" He realized it was his brother, Adam, who asked after he had a moment to calm himself.

After a deep breath, he replied. "I messed up."

"Did mom find out about the party?" Adam said, annoyance dipping into his voice.

_'Just listen to me.'_

"No, no," Drew replied. "I... I blacked out."

Adam raised an eyebrow. "Okay? That's not news."

Drew frowned. "This morning, my condom was missing." Silence. "I had sex with Katie."

"What's the problem?" Adam asked, then laughed. Drew noted a hint of jealously. "You have a problem most guy's dream of. Two girls like you. Two great girls! How could you do this?"

_'I didn't do anything...'_

"I don't know. I can't tell Bianca, and I can't tell Katie the day after we lost our virginity to each other," Drew replied quietly.

' _More like taken'_

"What do I do?" Drew asked.

Adam huffed in response. "Well you're the one who had sex. Man-up." Then he walked off.

Not even his brother was on his side. He had no one.

He trembled imperceptibly except to himself as he entered the class and set down his stuff. Within moments both Bianca and Katie were on him. "Partners?" they both asked. Then glared at each other, fighting for his affection. If only they would give him their attention for just a moment, they might see how badly he hurt. Instead, he was felt like meat. His whole body hurt, his skin burned like fire, he felt like something was trying to crawl its way out of his skull and his head was thumping. It was thumping so very hard, but all the two girls around him saw was a prize to fight over.

"You like me, don't you Drew?" Katie asked, glaring daggers at Bianca.

_'You like me, don't you Drew?'_

_'You like me, I know you do Drew.'_

_'Let me give you this, what we never did before. I promise, we'll do this as much as you want to.'_

_'Oh, Drew!'_

Drew's skin tingled as Katie's hand brushed his shoulder. He just wanted to burn it off.

"Drew. Drew!" he heard Bianca demand his attention. "Tell Katie you're done with her."

"Done with me?" Katie laughed, as she wrapped her arms around Drew's chest. "We had sex last night. Drew has never been more into me."

"Is this true?" Bianca asked, voice quiet but also full of fire.

"I don't know. I don't remember," Drew replied looking at the table, trying to ignore Katie's touch.

"Oh, we did, my love," Katie whispered in his ear, relaxing her body on his shoulder. "Hear that Bianca, love. Nothing he'd ever feel for a skank like you."

Then she yelped as Drew stood up and threw her off of him. "Don't touch me." And then he left the room.

Once again he heard the snickering of his classmates.

He was just an object. An object for the amusement of his classmates. And object for what it meant to be manly to his brother. An object who was meant to be something more than he was to his mother. And an object for Katie's desire.

What he wanted never mattered. He was just an object after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Feel free to comment and review. I'd love to hear your thoughts. The Katie/Drew story here is one of the few times I've been really upset with Degrassi (though I've seen relatively little before season 10). Also, some notes are below.
> 
>  
> 
> Below are some thoughts I sent a friend on tumblr after watching Season 12 of Degrassi for the first time in February 2016 (yeah I'm late). I couldn't shake how odd it was for Degrassi to have a guy be raped, and not even mention it. I felt it sent a bad message and I needed a fic to rectify that.  
> [Ahhh good. I mean, I don't blame her entirely. It's not an easy topic, as we have to be VERY black/white in order to protect women from rape since it is so common and women are so often treated awfully, but there is grey area. This is definitely a grey area. Should she have had sex with him? No. Is she evil? No. Is this a bad situation for everyone? Definitely. I think Drew as a character would take responsibility for his actions and not have her thrown in prison, but have the two of them sit down and talk about it. Did she rape him? Yes. But the question is what to do about it. It's important for the victim to decide as it gives them power over their situation (to an extent of course, dangerous people must be removed from society, and Katie is hardly dangerous). I'm writing this I think.  
> Drew knew about what happened with Katie, but didn't understand it. After she reveals the video to the school, and convinces Bianca that he was drunk, she calls it rape. Drew isn't ready to view it that way, and Bianca runs to his mom. Drew convinces both of them to let him talk to Katie as they sort through what happened.]  
> The second paragraph is the idea I had, but never got past the 500 word mark. However, after a few weeks a searching I found a fanfic based off of this event but sadly it was unfinished. A story on FF.N called Behind Closed Doors, which has not been updated since October 2012.  
> Now I'm finally going to write this, using the above story as slight inspiration and in combination with my own ideas as Drew's realizes that he was raped.
> 
>  
> 
> Again, please let me know your thoughts! And apologies for SO much of this chapter being notes. But it’s the best way for an author to discuss with the reader. In the future chapters will be primarily story content. But really, this fic serves as a discussion on the topic. Kind of like how philosophers discuss through stories.


	2. Culpability II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter contains graphic description of Katie having sex with a drunk Drew. It is written from Drew's point of view, so when reading it from his point of view you would feel like Drew. If you successfully put yourself in Drew's position, you would feel like a victim. If this bothers you, I would suggest skipping this chapter.
> 
> This chapter is to observe Drew's thought process as it happens. As such, it is not meant to be sexually arousing, nor is it written as a porn chapter. It is primarily in Drew's head as things happen to him.
> 
> The italicized portion is vivid flash back to the event that Drew has. The rest is present day.

**Culpability II**

Drew flopped down in bed and crawled under his sheets seeking protection from the outside world. His head was throbbing and he couldn't think. The only thing that crossed through his mind was the nightmare which he relived anew as he fell into darkness.

_His room. His room. He had to get to his room. He didn't know why, but he had to get to his room. He downed his drink as he pushed the door open and saw Katie. Oh. Katie. That was why he was here. He had to talk with her. Break up with her or something._

_"Look, if you're drunk," Katie began hesitantly before Drew interrupted her._

_"Nah, I just had a beer trophy and..." he said lifting up his cup, before going for a sip. It was empty and he placed it on his chest of drawers. He hesitated as he closed the door behind him. He knew it was a bad idea, but he couldn't remember why. He approached his bed where Katie sat and joined her. He was quiet for a moment. It was a moment he dreaded._

_"I lied about Courtney," he began. "So you'd break up with me. I wasn't happy."_

_"Yeah," Katie apologized. "I'm not surprised. I was awful to you before the break. I mean if I were you, I would end things with me too."_

_"You're being so cool about this," Drew said in monotone. He was happy, but the alcohol was taking effect. He couldn't feel much anymore. His tongue felt heavy, he was tired, and just wanted to fall back onto his bed and sleep._

_"Look, you've made this decision to break up with me on your own, in your own head. We never discussed it. We've been through way too much for you to make this big decision alone," Katie spoke with hope._

_Drew managed as much of a smile as he could. "Last year was pretty crazy, huh?"_

_"Crazy is an understatement," Katie agreed._

_"You know... I might be dead right now if it weren't for you."_

_"You said it yourself. We need each other," Katie said as she inched closer to him. "Next time you're thinking something... just talk to me. Okay? Because... there is no problem that Katie Matlin can't fix."_

_She was closer now, and he couldn't stop himself as her lips approached his. With eyes closed his lips met hers. They kissed and kissed, and Drew enjoyed it as his hand brushed over her breast and fingers stroked her neck. "B..." he moaned, and opened his eyes to not be met with the ones he expected. No, this was Katie, not Bianca. He pulled away but then Katie pulled him back and he couldn't muster the energy to stop her. Then he was on his back as Katie straddled him._

_The voices in his head were at war as he realized what was happening. One raged to let it happen as Katie stroked his already hard cock through his pants, while the other screamed "no. no, no, no."_

_"No," he muttered out loud, as Katie's hand slipped beneath his waistband._

_Katie smirked as she looked back up at him. "I promise Drew, I don't mind. I want to do this. Let me give you this, what we never did before. I promise, we'll do this as much as you want to for now on. I didn't know how much I needed you until now."_

_Drew's breath hitched and one of her hands wrapped around his dick while the other loosened his pants. He moaned and the word 'yes' slipped out._

_Katie smiled. "I knew you wanted this." And then she was quiet as her lips surrounded his penis and he couldn't speak as the pleasure overtook him._

_Seconds or years passed, he was unsure as she came back up to plant a kiss on his lips. "Did you like that?" she breathed in his ear._

_"No," he muttered, his alcohol raddled brain not knowing any other way to end this._

_Katie frowned. "I can do more. I need you." She was silent for a moment, and he vaguely saw her removing her clothes. "You like me, don't you Drew?"_

_He couldn't answer, could barely keep his eyes open now. He barely felt like he was in his own body. He shuddered as Katie's hand returned to his dick. "I found a condom in your wallet, you naughty little boy," she teased as she ripped it open and rolled it onto his penis._

_"Stop," he said under his breath._

_Katie laughed. "I already told you Drew, I'm fine with this. Don't worry about me."_

_"No, no, no," he hissed under his breath when he felt himself enter Katie as she lowered herself on him. "Stop. Just listen to me," he said, but he wasn't sure if the words actually left his mouth. He was so tired. The room was spinning, he couldn't breathe, he felt like he was flying and whatever Katie was doing to him was undeniably pleasurable._

_"You like me, I know you do Drew," Katie cooed and her lips halted his near-silent pleas to stop. He mewled in response. He couldn't stop this. He couldn't even say the words to stop, not that she would listen._

_She smiled and raked her fingers down his chest. He shuddered at the contact. The pleasure of it all made him sick. He wanted so badly just to pass out and forget it all._

_"Oh, Drew!" he heard her cry as her pace quickened, breaking him from his drowsiness. It felt good, so good but he didn't want it. It didn't stop him from bucking into her as she drove him to an orgasm, followed soon by hers._

_She collapsed onto him as she finished, lips meeting his in her post-orgasm bliss. He felt nothing as he laid there. He felt dead, he was floating, and he wasn't in his body at all as his eyes began to close._

_"Guess you were tired," she said, as she put her clothes back on. She gave him another peck on the lips as she adjusted Drew's body to get him under his blanket. "I should get home, I told my parents I just wanted to talk. I can't let them get suspicious now. Especially since we're going to be doing this a lot more." Another kiss, then she left._

_He laid there for half an hour in a daze. He wasn't sure if he ever fell asleep or not, but it didn't matter. He had to go back to the party. He felt different, but could not place why. And he had no idea why his pants were down at his knees or how he got under his bed covers. He stood to shaky legs and found he was wearing a condom - a used one at that. He tossed it into the trashcan by his bed and shambled to the door. Thoughts of how the condom got used filled his mind. Whatever had happened with Katie was more than a bad dream. The thought the he could forget his first time if it were with Bianca made him feel sick._

I had sex. I had sex with Katie. _The thought filled his mind as he felt his way around his house to find the door to the basement. He could barely stand, and the thought of going down stairs filled him with dread but he did it anyway._

_A crowd. There was a crowd of people in his basement. Oh, yeah, there was a party. A fun party. He saw Dallas at the foot of the stairs who gave him a grin. "I did it," Drew spoke to no one in particular. And then he fell down the stairs._

Drew's head was still throbbing as he danced around consciousness in bed the next afternoon. The dull ache hadn't subsided at all ever since he left school that morning. Had never really ceased since he fell down the stairs he was starting to realize. He felt miserable. He was hot, sweaty and the sheets around him felt more confining than comforting. His head felt like it was about to burst and he just wanted to let it happen to end it all.

A fresh, fiery explosion of pain burst through his head as his mother turned on the light to his room. He squeezed his eyes shut like shutters of steel to block out as much as he could as he whimpered in defeat.

"Why are you not at school? It's the second day. You are not staying home from school due to a hangover," his mother, Audra, stated as she entered the room. "Wake up."

He turned away from her, away from the light, and was too tired to cry. He just wanted to withdraw from everything and let the black hole in his head take over.

"Drew, are you okay?" his mother's tone changed as she spoke, noticing something was wrong. She approached his bed to put a hand on his head. Drew jerked in response. "No fever," she muttered under her breath. "Drew?" Silence. "Drew, answer me?"

She turned Drew on his side and his eyes fluttered open. "Tell me what's wrong, Drew?"

"I don't know," Drew said in a confused voice before it shifted. "No. Stop. Don't touch me," he spoke in monotone as he shrugged his mom's hand off of him backed into his headboard.

"Drew, Drew!" his mother exclaimed, holding him still before he could flail from whatever haunted him. "The gangs aren't here. You're safe."

"My head," Drew cried. "It hurts. It hurts so badly. It's more than a hangover."

"Shh, shh, calm down Drew," his mother said. "I'm going to call an ambulance. Have you hit your head recently? When you were in the hospital after the gang attacked you they warned me you might be more susceptible to head injuries." She was already calling the police with her phone.

"I don't know. I know don't anything. I can't do anything," Drew bemoaned in bed before he let the darkness take him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, I hope you found the chapter to be a proper way of handling the situation. My goals were to show that Drew didn't want it to happen, but he was unable to stop it. But also that Katie is not evil. As I said in chapter 1, this story is not black or white. She didn't set out to do evil, and won't even consider what she did rape until Drew makes her aware of it.
> 
> To be clear, Katie did rape Drew and while Drew is upset and disgusted, he is aware that she is not an evil person.
> 
> It is not uncommon for rapist to not know that what they did is wrong until after the fact so it is important to educate someone about what rape is both so they don't commit, but also to prevent others from doing so. It's easy to forget, but these characters are 17 and mostly virgins. Most adults would not recognize what happened as rape, so I believe it is believable that these characters are confused too. I believe Katie did not know what she did was wrong, but that doesn't make it okay.
> 
> Also, I moved the concussion symptoms up slightly in the timeline in order to show that Drew's being worried about what happened between him and Katie has stressed him out to an extreme degree. Also, in Degrassi time, the effects of the concussion happened very late after the fall. It seemed like several days on the show, while in reality you would more than likely show symptoms after 1-2 days tops. True, many of Drew's concussion symptoms were misunderstood by all as alcohol poisoning and he should have gone to the hospital much earlier.
> 
> Again, feedback is appreciated.


	3. Culpability III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Contains all trigger warnings mentioned in chapter 1 as well as mentions of self-harm.

**Culpability III**

He was in the hospital for three days before he was allowed to return home. It had been a terrible three days as he was poked and prodded in ways he didn't want. The questions were the worst and they kept playing through his head.

'When was the last time you hit your head?' crossed his mind as fingers roamed through his hair to check his skull.

'How much did you have to drink that night?' crossed his mind as he was forced to walk down the halls of the hospitals in a state of undress.

'Why didn't you go to a hospital as soon as you fell down the stairs'?' crossed his mind as he imagined the feelings x-rays penetrating his skull.

All in all, it was an awful three days where he had no control over his life. At least he would live – though if he had a life worth living was the question. It wasn't really his life as things just happened to him. He was reminded of it every time he slept and the nightmare came.

He was expected to be the perfect son for his mother, and he failed. He was always being pushed harder and harder to get better grades and take harder classes and he never was able to meet her dreams.

He was expected to be the perfect big brother for Adam who saw him as the pentacle of what it meant to be a man. He couldn't let his brother see him cry over this. He couldn't let his brother know he was raped.

He was expected to be the perfect boyfriend and when he failed, she just wouldn't let go. She had taken away the last bit of choice in his life.

Drew can't remember the last time that he had felt in control of his life. Ever since he had been forced to come to Degrassi to help Adam transition, his life had been out of his control. Tug of war between girls, a failure in the classroom despite his mother's insistence, the consistent worrying about Adam. And then the gang. His head hadn't been in a right place since then.

And now he was in his bed at home, dreading the return to school tomorrow where all the choices he could make in life were denied. Like everything else, he had no choice in going there.

But he could make one choice as he crawled out of bed and stood to shaking legs. One choice at a time.

His head was better now, but his body was weak from spending so much time in bed. If there was one thing he could do, it was to get out of bed and eat.

He managed to shamble his way to the kitchen and felt both accomplished and disappointed at how much effort that feat had took.

"Finally out of bed?" he heard his Adam greet from the kitchen table. "It's already dinner time."

"Good, I'm starving," Drew managed to mumble out as he took a seat. A small part of him was happy that he didn't become lightheaded at the action of sitting down. A plus was a plus.

"Ready for school tomorrow?" Adam asked tentatively.

Drew shrugged in a non-committal manner.

"There's a pep-rally tomorrow. Should be fun!" Adam said to try to get Drew excited. Drew shrugged. "Katie is throwing it, I'm sure she wants to see you again!" Adam said, excited for Drew.

Drew blinked. "Oh."

"You don't sound excited."

"Maybe I'm not," Drew replied.

"Why not?""

"I don't feel anything anymore."

The conversation was broken before Adam could reply as their mother brought dinner to the table, but he had concern written on his face.

Drew did feel something as he ate. It wasn't much, but it was relief as his empty stomach received food. He didn't particularly enjoy it, but it was one gnawing pain that could be satiated.

They ate in mostly silence as their mother tried to initiate conversation. Drew couldn't muster interest. He finished his meal early and returned to his room. Adam followed him and caught him before he could close the door.

"You alright, dude?" his younger brother asked.

"No."

Drew shut the door behind him and hoped for the first time that someone would really listen.

Who would listen? Who knew him better than anyone else these days? Who knew that he didn't want to be with Katie?

Bianca. Bianca would listen.

_Hey_ , he texted her. He stared at the screen for long moments with his back to the door. His heart jumped as the ellipses of her reply appeared, and moments later her message.

_I heard about the concussion. Are you okay?_

_No. I don't know what's going on anymore. I can't feel anything._

Some time passed before her reply. _Adam said at school today you would be back tomorrow. We'll talk then._

Not even Bianca cared enough to listen. It didn't cut into him like he expected. He felt nothing. He felt dead. He understood better than ever how Adam felt before his transition. He had always talked about he felt nothing and had to cut himself to remember that he was still alive.

He was in the bathroom before he realized it. Orange, single bladed razor in his hand. He crushed it into the marble of the bathroom sink and removed the metal blade with his fingers. The metal stung with the intensity of a thousand tiny paper cuts as it nicked the nerves in his fingertips. He dropped the blade into the sink with a hiss.

Pain flared up his arm and he smiled. He was still alive. He still had choices to make.

He turned on the water to wash the blood down the drain and balled up some toilet paper to safely pick up the blade and toss it into the waste bin. Choice one was to not let his little brother see him validate self-harm.

Choice two was to make everything that he could right with Bianca at school tomorrow.

Back in bed, he slept more easily than he had in days.

* * *

He woke up the next morning feeling more alive than he had since the first day of the school year. It seemed like forever, but it had only been four days.

_Meet me at our spot?_ He texted Bianca as he got out of his mother's van. He ignored the snickers of his classmates as they saw him walking through campus. He ignored the pang in his chest at the memories of his actions that night that he overheard but didn't have.

He found her waiting at their spot. "Hey, beautiful," he greeted.

Bianca smiled. "I'm glad to see you're alright."

Drew wrapped her in a hug, but she didn't return it. Silence. "Sorry," Drew said, disengaging. "I didn't mean to hug you without your permission."

Bianca blinked. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" Drew said through a fake grin. "I'm just happy to be back with you."

Bianca humped in response.

"Look, I'm sorry for being out the last few days."

"You were out with a concussion," Bianca said plainly. "No need to apologize. I'm sure you don't even remember what happened at school on Tuesday."

Drew shook his head in response. "It's all a blur. Care to fill me in after the assembly?" He offered Bianca his injured hand, before retracting it.

"What happened to your hand?" she asked referencing his bandaged fingers.

"Uh…uh… I cut myself shaving. Uh, blame the concussion?" he suggested weakly.

"We'll talk later, Drew," Bianca said. He could only nod in return.

"After the assembly," he agreed.

Those plans came to an explosive halt as he saw Katie on stage. She smiled at him and his stomach twisted. And then then the hockey players on the screen were replaced by his face. His very, very drunk face as it declared he had had sex. He was a man. He had sex. He had sex. He had sex.

His virginity gone and he had no memory it yet all anyone would ever think of it was that it was his dumb drunken mistake. It was all like Dallas said. He made a mistake and he had to deal with it.

He fought the urge to throw up as everyone he knew was looking at him and mocking him. Drew the fool. He had always been that, but never before had it been so prominent.

He looked to Bianca to speak. "I didn't... I don't remember..." but she left in a huff.

He chased her down the hallway. "Bianca, please! Can we talk?" he hollered as he chased her down the hall.

They were alone in the vacant halls when she yelled back. "Get away from me Drew! I can't deal with this!"

"Please, Bianca. Stop, just listen to me," Drew pleaded and she did. He took her hands in his.

"Let go of me," she yelled and he released her hand.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for touching you when you didn't want. For whatever happened that night. I don't remember it. I don't know what happened. I never wanted to hurt you." Drew was leaning against the locker for support.

"But you did!" Bianca exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Drew cried out. Bianca froze as he saw his tears. "I don't remember any of it."

"You had sex with her. You wanted her or you wouldn't have done it," Bianca stated with doubt in her voice as she placed a hand on Drew and put aside her pain for a moment. Her concern overrid her anger as she started putting pieces together.

"I didn't want to. She just wouldn't stop," Drew said, sinking to the floor.

Bianca sank to her knees next to him. "Drew?" she asked.

Drew was breathing heavily, struggling to get words out. "I... I... told her to stop. I said no. I said everything I could think of at the time. She just wouldn't stop."

"Drew?" Bianca asked. "Did she rape you?"

Drew looked her in the eyes, his voice quivering. "I don't know. I can't remember clearly. It's all just blurred thoughts in my head, and my head hurts so much. Everything's a blur. I don't even know where I am right now."

"Shh, shh, it's alright Drew. You're with me. I won't let anything else happen to you," Bianca said as she helped Drew stand.

"I love you B," Drew said, as his head swarmed and heated with embarrassment as students walked by mocking him for his crying.

Bianca shielded Drew from their stares as she replied. "I know, Drew."

She led him down the hall to the entrance when they saw the crowd slowly leaving the auditorium. And there was Katie. Drew felt Bianca tense when she saw her, and his own stomach churned at the sight of her.

"Bianca, no," he said as he held her back before she charged.

"Let me go, Drew. I'm going to kill that bitch," Bianca yelled.

"Let me," Drew pleaded. "I need to do this." Bianca nodded her consent. Drew vaguely heard her whisper under her breath, 'destroy her or I will.'

They arrived to overhear Simpson informing Katie and Marisol that they were looking for who was responsible for this fiasco.

"No need to figure it out," Katie said as they arrived behind her. "It was me. I did it."

Mr. Simpson's face twisted in anger. "My office, now. Oh, and Mr. Torres, I will need to speak to you as well. We now know who lambasted you so inappropriately."

Katie turned around in shock to see him behind her, fear plastered across her face for a moment until it turned into pride. "This is what you deserve Drew. You did all of this, not me. You had sex with me and dumped me."

Drew's felt more sick than ever now and his face was stock white. It took all that remained of his energy to hold Bianca back. "Please," he whispered under his breath.

Marisol scoffed. "You disgust me Drew. You have sex with her, dump her, ignore her and now you're trying to look like the victim. Did you never learn to pay for your actions?"

Drew's lips quivered as he struggled to speak. "No," he began weakly but couldn't finish. He leaned on Bianca for support, his weight being the only thing stopping her from eviscerating Katie then and there.

Katie turned away having lost interest. She had won after all. But Marisol was furious. "No?" the dark-skinned girl questioned. "No surprise. No one ever taught Drew Fucking Torres to watch who he hurts."

"No," Drew said again, but stronger. "I said 'no.'" he cried out.

"I told Katie 'no' but she wouldn't stop. She just wouldn't stop." He saw Katie looking at him with apathy in her eyes. Marisol was laughing, and Bianca was a volcano ready to erupt next to him.

He looked to Mr. Simpson for support, concern written on the older man's face. "I wanted her to stop and she didn't. She raped me."

Mr. Simpson's response was instantaneous. "Matlin, Torres. My office, now!"

Katie was looking at Drew with pure shock, and Marisol was furious. "Rape?" she cried. "Rape? Fuck you Drew. Fuck you! You really are so fucking irresponsible that you are going to claim that Katie raped you so you don't have to deal with your actions. You're such a fucking baby."

Bianca shielded Drew from Marisol's fury as she escorted him out. She whispered support in his ears to drown out the uproar as the student body overheard everything.

Drew managed something resembling a smile despite it all. Choice three was taking charge of his life. He wouldn't let himself be the victim any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm not the most familiar with Adam's character, but his use of the line 'Man-up' in 12x02 when I was writing chapter 2 bothered me. I decided from that line to go with a "Drew is THE man to Adam" thread and explore it. I feel it is believable as Adam wants to become more manly, as we saw in season 11, and it makes plenty of sense that Drew is the manly man for him. This is reinforced when Adam is busy being jealous of Drew having sex with Katie rather noticing Drew's distress.
> 
> This chapter is dialog heavy and a bit sparse of details, but it's intentional. Drew's mind it cluttered throughout all of this and the story is conveying what he is experiencing, rather than stating some long drawn out paragraph about the color of Degrassi's walls. I really want to capture the surreal-ness that victims feel. I hope I accomplished that.


	4. Culpability IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: All mentioned in chapter 1.

**Culpability IV**

Drew's stomach was twisted in a knot as he sat in Principal Simpson's office. The world around him felt almost as if this was just an extension of the nightmare. He would have pinched himself to check but the dull pounding in his skull and the ache that tore through his stomach was all the pain he needed to prove that this was real.

Katie was crying next to him and he vaguely felt his eyes burning to indicate he was as well.

His reverie was broken as Mr. Simpson spoke. "Now, Drew, you have to understand that this is a serious accusation. I have half a mind to go ahead and get the police involved. But I care about what is best for both of you and I want us to know exactly what is going on."

Simpson looked both of the teens in the eyes. Drew was staring forward intently at him while Katie was looking at the floor. Both were crying and unable to hide their hurt any longer.

"So, Drew: did Katie rape you? Tell me your side of the story," Simpson suggested.

"Y-yes," Drew stuttered. "I don't really remember what happened. But every time I shut my eyes," he paused to blink and roll the words over his tongue. "I see it. I see her on top of me doing things as I tell her to stop. She didn't listen or she didn't hear. I don't really know."

He heard a cry come from Katie as he spoke.

"Miss Matlin?" Simpson questioned.

"I thought he wanted it. I thought not having sex was why he dumped me. So I decided to give it to him," Katie spoke with a throaty voice.

"Did he tell you 'no'?" Simpson asked.

"I… I…" she stuttered. "I thought he meant he didn't want me to… give myself to him. Not that he didn't want to have sex with me. I thought he wanted it. He's a guy, why would he say 'no'?"

Mr. Simpson nodded his acknowledgement. "I'm sorry, for both of you. But I'm going to need to contact the police."

Drew was shivering and the world felt like ice around him. But he was happy, so happy that someone believed him. That he never wanted it to happen. That he could never be blamed for this again. After the video this morning he could scarcely hope that Bianca would understand and be on his side. But now it looked like he was going to win. He wasn't to blame.

But he still felt guilty as he saw Katie crying next to him. He heard her whisper, "I didn't know. I didn't mean for this to happen. I honestly thought he wanted it. I thought it would save our relationship."

A moment of inspiration shot through Drew as he saw Mr. Simpson reach for the phone. "Wait!" Drew nearly yelled. It was more of a croak though as his voice was wrought with emotion.

Simpson and Katie both looked at him in shock.

Katie laughed sardonically. "What, Drew? Want to make me feel more miserable? First you break up with me after I give you my virginity and now you accuse me of rape. How else are you going to ruin me? I just want to talk to my mom and get our lawyer."

Simpson nodded his agreement. "It's probably best if we get the law involved as soon as possible."

Drew shook his head. "Please. We just need to talk for a minute." He buried his face in his hands for a moment. "I… I don't know why, it's the concussion or something. I can't form the thought, but I know Katie and I need to speak."

Simpson thought for a moment before looking towards Katie. "Are you okay with this?"

"Sure, whatever," she replied with a glare thrown at Drew.

"I'll give you two some privacy," Simpson said as he stood up and left the room.

Drew and Katie looked at each other for a moment.

"Well, talk," Katie hissed.

"You're still crying," Drew commented as he inched closer to her.

"No shit," Katie retorted.

"Are you really… are you really sorry?" Drew stammered.

"Sorry? Yes, Drew. I thought you wanted it so I gave you my virginity. To know that you're so disgusted with me that you would consider it rape…"

"No, that's not true!" Drew exclaimed. "I didn't want it because I love Bianca. But I… I still care about you. I don't want to see this destroy you."

Katie's eyes lit up. "So we still have a chance?"

Drew blink. "No."

Silence returned between them as they looked into one another's eyes.

"Look, Katie," Drew said taking her hands into his. "Our relationship is over. But our friendship doesn't have to be. You did something bad. Really, really bad. But I know now that you didn't mean it. I'm not ready to forgive you, but I believe you didn't mean to hurt me. You aren't a bad person. You honestly thought you were doing what was best for us."

He paused a minute to read the emotions on her face: sadness, confusion, and relief.

"You aren't evil Katie, and I don't want you or others to view you that way. Can we work this out, between us?"

"I… we can try," Katie replied.

"I know you're probably going to lose your presidency for that mishap at the assembly but…" Drew took a deep breath before speaking. "I want us to use this opportunity to talk about sexual assault with the student body. What happened was not okay, but you didn't mean it."

Katie nodded. "That might be a good idea."

Drew grinned. "And we can talk about how only a sober 'yes' means 'yes.' Like we see it on TV but it doesn't really click. We could change things at this school and make sure it never happens again. The way everyone mocked me today shows that they don't understand either."

Katie wiped some tears away. "Drew, I think this is a good idea. I want to do what I can to make up for what I did. I'm so sorry."

Drew gripped her hand in support. "We're going to keep the police out of this. No one ever has to know what happened. We just have to make sure no one else has to go through this again."

They sat in silence for a moment before Drew got up to ask Mr. Simpson to return. "Sir," Drew began as Simpson sat down. "We don't want to get the police involved. We have an idea to make this better for everyone. So let's talk."

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, this is it. Some notes on this chapter.
> 
> 1) Drew appears relatively smart in this fic, but that is intentional. While the show uses Drew's 'stupidity' as a running gag, he doesn't really tend to be unintelligent in social situations. As we see during his time as Student Body President, he's actually a good and smart guy who just wants the best for people which I tried to show in this fic.
> 
> 2) I debated long and hard on how to end this fic. I almost ended it at chapter 3 as Drew took control of his life. But then I realized I missed one of my goals. I showed that Katie didn't mean to rape Drew, but now I had to show that Katie was truly sorry for it. And then from there these two work together to better the world. There is too much ambiguity when it comes to rape and there shouldn't be, but the problem is that people are not educated on how to respect others. If this is a problem in a Canadian school on TV where characters are significantly more mature than in real life, just imagine what it is like in a real life little American town.
> 
> Also, I wanted this to fit in canon with a few minor changes so sending Katie off to jail wasn't a possibility for that purpose.
> 
> The other way I could have ended this was to keep going on and on, but I felt that defeated the purpose of this fic. I could rewrite all of season 12, 13 and 14 with how this realization changed Drew, but what is the point? The purpose of this fic was Drew and Katie realizing what happened and how they get on the road to heal from it. I hope that I accomplished that. The fic was more of a discussion piece than novelized fun.
> 
> This does leave some open plot threads left over such as the thoughts of Adam, Bianca, Audra and Marisol as well as Drew's concussion. But that's fine. I set up their characters in a certain way for this fic, now it's your job to decide how they go from there (though I do want to explore the Adam/Drew connection one day).
> 
> The main plot I would be interested in revisiting in this soft AU would be Zoe's. Drew was, for a moment, accused of rape by Zoe before she backed down. And then later in Unbelievable when Drew is helping Becky and Imogen find out who assaulted Zoe (and I have to say the Becky/Imogen/Drew trio justice squad was great fun). I might write it one day in which case I will update this fic with a notice or the chapter themselves depending on how I stylize it.
> 
> 3) I hope I properly showed how Drew and Katie found a way to recover together. I feel as if Drew saw that Katie felt really bad and realized that she needed help too and wanted to help her.
> 
> I am not arguing that all victims should forgive their assaulter, I'm merely saying that it is the case for Drew's character. Any given survivor should do what they need to in order to properly recover.
> 
> It also shows how the perpetrator is still human and should not be dehumanized (though should still be punished to protect society). Dehumanization is always bad, even if the person is really, really bad. Any given war in history has shown that.
> 
> 4) Thanks for reading. It was interesting to write a fic in an era I haven't read or written much in since I mainly write for Miles. But this was an important topic to write about. This plot could be extended, but my goal was recognition and recovery so I focused on that and that alone.
> 
> This was definitely an experience since it wasn't a novel style nor a one shot. It was something of a narrative essay I guess?


End file.
